APRIL 14th: BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT
Updated: 12:40, Tuesday April 15, 2008
Did you see it? Britain's Got Talent? Britain's Got More Than Its Fair Share of
Nut Jobs, more like.
The good, the bad and the mentally unhinged were out in force on Saturday night, risking dignity and in some cases paralysis, for the chance to be told by a smug millionaire and his pals that maybe, just maybe, their lives are not totally insignificant. What an honour.
Let's look at some of the acts who put themselves up for potential public humiliation:
Michael Machell was first on stage with a rather special rendition of the Star Wars theme. Up there with his Bontempi and a book entitled,"How to play the keyboards", there was no way this could be anything other than a winning performance. As soon as the reggae backing track (which sounded remarkably similar to the one used by UB40 for the past 20 years) kicked in, you knew you were witnessing something special.
A round of applause, please, for contortionist Iona Luvsandorj who taught single women across the UK the secret to having thousands of men falling at your feet within 30 seconds. If ever there was a guaranteed route to success, then standing in front of Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan, wearing a skin-tight pink catsuit and bending your legs until your feet rest on your shoulders is it.
Donald Bell-Gam was something of a talent show breath of fresh air. "I'm here to entertain myself", exclaimed the slightly-confused looking and camp-as-Christmas singer. Or, should I say "singer". With a breathy, squeaky delivery reminiscent of Orville The Duck himself, Donald strained out a verse of Valerie to a whooping crowd and a scowling Cowell. Or Scowell. See what I did there?
And who could forget 74 year-old Joan Gallagher? Her ultimate dream is to star in a Bond film. Presumably as a mallet-wielding psychopath who lures her young neighbours into her garden with the promise of shiny new paving slabs......
Can't wait for next week!
The good, the bad and the mentally unhinged were out in force on Saturday night, risking dignity and in some cases paralysis, for the chance to be told by a smug millionaire and his pals that maybe, just maybe, their lives are not totally insignificant. What an honour.
Let's look at some of the acts who put themselves up for potential public humiliation:
Michael Machell was first on stage with a rather special rendition of the Star Wars theme. Up there with his Bontempi and a book entitled,"How to play the keyboards", there was no way this could be anything other than a winning performance. As soon as the reggae backing track (which sounded remarkably similar to the one used by UB40 for the past 20 years) kicked in, you knew you were witnessing something special.
A round of applause, please, for contortionist Iona Luvsandorj who taught single women across the UK the secret to having thousands of men falling at your feet within 30 seconds. If ever there was a guaranteed route to success, then standing in front of Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan, wearing a skin-tight pink catsuit and bending your legs until your feet rest on your shoulders is it.
Donald Bell-Gam was something of a talent show breath of fresh air. "I'm here to entertain myself", exclaimed the slightly-confused looking and camp-as-Christmas singer. Or, should I say "singer". With a breathy, squeaky delivery reminiscent of Orville The Duck himself, Donald strained out a verse of Valerie to a whooping crowd and a scowling Cowell. Or Scowell. See what I did there?
And who could forget 74 year-old Joan Gallagher? Her ultimate dream is to star in a Bond film. Presumably as a mallet-wielding psychopath who lures her young neighbours into her garden with the promise of shiny new paving slabs......
Can't wait for next week!
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