JUNE 13th: THE APPRENTICE
Updated: 12:16, Monday June 16, 2008
Oh, what to do with our Wednesday evenings now that we don't have 15 brown nosers (or as Helene so eloquently put it, "gobshites") to observe 'giving 567'%, 'delivering' and 'not letting S'rallun down'?
Now is the time to sit back and digest the frankly, priceless morsels of wisdom served to us by this bunch of business buffoons of the future...
We've learnt that in the hard-nosed world of sales, awareness of wider issues such as culture, religion and all that gumpf is well, a bit of a waste of time, really; minutiae is for wimps, chums.
For example; you want kosher meat but have no vicar, nun or general religious dude nearby to oblige? Think outside the box, people. Slaughter a chicken to the joyful sounds of "Cliff at Christmas". Sorted
Blind determination is key. For example, bride-to-be won't buy your wedding cake? She's obviously a frickin' loser, who's so cheap, she'd probably settle for a daisy-decorated Maltloaf - be sure to tell her that and whilst you're at it, make it absolutely clear that failure to purchase your 27 tiered, spongey extravaganza will practically guarantee that her fiance will shack up with her dad within a week of the nuptials.
And, lastly, we've learnt that all manner of inadequacies can be masked by a brightly coloured beret worn at a jaunty angle.
In the end, it was wide-boy Lee who was jubilant and showed us all that a creative CV, David Brent-inspired tomfoolery and general illiteracy are the keys to career success.
What an inspiration.
Toodle-pip.
Now is the time to sit back and digest the frankly, priceless morsels of wisdom served to us by this bunch of business buffoons of the future...
We've learnt that in the hard-nosed world of sales, awareness of wider issues such as culture, religion and all that gumpf is well, a bit of a waste of time, really; minutiae is for wimps, chums.
For example; you want kosher meat but have no vicar, nun or general religious dude nearby to oblige? Think outside the box, people. Slaughter a chicken to the joyful sounds of "Cliff at Christmas". Sorted
Blind determination is key. For example, bride-to-be won't buy your wedding cake? She's obviously a frickin' loser, who's so cheap, she'd probably settle for a daisy-decorated Maltloaf - be sure to tell her that and whilst you're at it, make it absolutely clear that failure to purchase your 27 tiered, spongey extravaganza will practically guarantee that her fiance will shack up with her dad within a week of the nuptials.
And, lastly, we've learnt that all manner of inadequacies can be masked by a brightly coloured beret worn at a jaunty angle.
In the end, it was wide-boy Lee who was jubilant and showed us all that a creative CV, David Brent-inspired tomfoolery and general illiteracy are the keys to career success.
What an inspiration.
Toodle-pip.
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