JUNE 16: WAYNE'S WEDDING

Oh no. OK (geddit?), so they've got married after being school sweethearts.

All very endearing and romantic and stuff.

But do Wayne Rooney and Coleen (Do we now call her McLoughlin?) Rooney have to go and say they want kids.

Not just one, but three or four.

Oh, Wayne, how could you inflict yet another Rooney on this poor unsuspecting world.

Also, I wonder as I take a coffee shot to cope with the shock, will the little 'un look like a mini Shrek?

Will it inherit any of Coleen's pretty genes (they are the biological make-up of your body, not the latest purchase from Cricket, stoopid!)?

And will it become an instant millionaire simply by blinking at the bright lights of the OK photographer's lights as the first shoot is wrapped up just hours after the birth.

Oh, the bliss of celebrity.

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