JUNE 2nd: TALENT SHOWS
Updated: 11:23, Wednesday June 4, 2008
So, young George Sampson has officially 'got talent' and walks away with a
cheque for the not-too-shabby sum of £100,000. Not bad, eh?
In fact, that's about the same amount as it costs each caller to ring and register their vote.
Not that all of that goes towards lavish ITV parties with champagne baths and trained peacocks serving lightly fried £50 notes, dipped in molten gold and garnished with diamond shavings. Oh, no. They wisely keep some aside for a rainy day. And by 'rainy day', I mean 'inevitable fine for results-rigging'.
No, ok, that's unfair. It was just the one time with that GMTV 'phone-in scandal. And Soapstar Superstar. Oh, and the 2005 British Comedy Awards. If we're making a list, might as well add Saturday Night Take Away...
But swindling bastards aside, is it not time for the televised talent programmes to hang up their glittery microphones? Is the well-worn formula not becoming just a tiny bit predictable?
Come on, we all know the drill well enough to start our own show:
Round 1: anyone who can do anything - from singing Pie Jesu whilst swallowing flamingos and juggling radioactive particles, to blinking -auditions.
Round 2: contestants are narrowed down to those with a) any inkling of ability plus a decent sob story or b) mental stability questionable enough as to be amusing but not quite sufficient to necessitate institutionalisation, thus rendering them socially acceptable victims of public ridicule.
Round 3: A winner is picked after a serious of pointless, airtime-filling elimination rounds and a final announcement featuring a pause at least the length of Ant McPartlin's forehead.
Seems like an easy way to make a quick buck, if you ask me. All those wanting to try their luck on "The UK Can Sing and Dance a Bit", form an orderly queue.
In fact, that's about the same amount as it costs each caller to ring and register their vote.
Not that all of that goes towards lavish ITV parties with champagne baths and trained peacocks serving lightly fried £50 notes, dipped in molten gold and garnished with diamond shavings. Oh, no. They wisely keep some aside for a rainy day. And by 'rainy day', I mean 'inevitable fine for results-rigging'.
No, ok, that's unfair. It was just the one time with that GMTV 'phone-in scandal. And Soapstar Superstar. Oh, and the 2005 British Comedy Awards. If we're making a list, might as well add Saturday Night Take Away...
But swindling bastards aside, is it not time for the televised talent programmes to hang up their glittery microphones? Is the well-worn formula not becoming just a tiny bit predictable?
Come on, we all know the drill well enough to start our own show:
Round 1: anyone who can do anything - from singing Pie Jesu whilst swallowing flamingos and juggling radioactive particles, to blinking -auditions.
Round 2: contestants are narrowed down to those with a) any inkling of ability plus a decent sob story or b) mental stability questionable enough as to be amusing but not quite sufficient to necessitate institutionalisation, thus rendering them socially acceptable victims of public ridicule.
Round 3: A winner is picked after a serious of pointless, airtime-filling elimination rounds and a final announcement featuring a pause at least the length of Ant McPartlin's forehead.
Seems like an easy way to make a quick buck, if you ask me. All those wanting to try their luck on "The UK Can Sing and Dance a Bit", form an orderly queue.
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