JUNE 4th: BIG BROTHER. GROAN

Big Brother is limping back onto our screens for its ninth series. Hands up who gives a stuff? Hmm, just as I thought.

I'm sure we can look forward to the usual bunch of intellectual, high achieving members of the upper echelons of society, as hinted at by the audition footage where two young ladies cut right to the chase and simply whacked out their babylons. Now, were I a purveyor of lesser comedic artistry, I might make a lame joke about those not being the first tits to audition for BB but obviously, I would never stoop so low...

Speaking of lameness...and jokes, for that matter....oh, and why not, tits as well! Victoria Beckham has made a plum of herself by attending the CFA Fashion Awards wearing - now what was it, exactly? some stitched together fabric remnants?

With her hemline high and her hair glued flat to her scalp, the snout-nosed one resembled a human Chupa Chup. It's about time the self-titled style icon realised a designer name does not a beautiful dress maketh. Honestly, shove the word "Versace" on a poop scoop bin and she'd be in it faster than you can say, "Whatever happened to Dane Bowers?".

Lesbianism is all the rage at the moment, apparently; Cynthia Nixon is dating her weird butch twin, Lindsay Lohan's got herself a lady-lover and even Silly Allen is playing a Bic-dodger in new flick, Lesbian Vampire Killers. Still, the mockney bint might do herself a favour by going for a partner of the comfortable-shoe-wearing variety...surely anything's better than cuddling up to Michelin man incarnate, James Corden...

Tally-ho!

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