MAY 12th: BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT

Determined to improve on the, frankly, crap hula display previously inflicted on one and all by little Melissa Lucas, trio 'Hoop La La' skipped onto the stage this week, hula-hoops ahoy. In a blaze of turquoise and pink lurex, students Jessie, Tina and Craig gyrated every possible appendage to the beat of 'Macho Man'...well, almost every appendage...are you thinking what I'm thinking? That's right..come on Craig, let's see you spin one of those bad-boys around your moobs....

"Do you really think Prince Charles would like to see this?", Scowell, erm, scowled. The man's got a point. Probably more Edward's cup of tea...

Family Affair offered a glimpse into the lives of kids destined to appear on a Jeremy Kyle "I survived childhood ritual humiliation" show. Like a tone deaf Partridge Family, this parent/kid foursome delivered their interpretation of a Beach Boys classic, complete with off-key squealing from son Otto, who surely had pure helium coursing through his veins.

After being verbally head-butted off stage by the Glaswegian crowd, Mrs Partridge asked innocently "So why do you reckon this audience doesn't like close harmony, then?".  It's not close harmony they object to, love. It's the brain-stabbing screech akin to that of mating foxes scraping their nerves like a cheese-grater that got their goat.

This week's "Where The Hell Did They Come From" award goes to Steve and Claire aka "Animalgique". With white-blonde hair, dodgy costumes and cheesy 80's-inspired music, not to mention a selection of animals, you'd be forgiven for thinking you were watching Bucks Fizz play a gig at a menagerie.

"You need to make it bigger for me to give you another chance", Amanda told Steve. Bet that's what she said to Neil Morrissey...

Musical theatre student, David Williams brought a bit of much-need anger to the stage this week. Grinding his limp, twiglet-like frame to the groove, he almost reunited the judges with their lunch and they wasted no time in telling him he was useless. And with that, the V-sign came out and potty-mouthed David hurled abuse as he ran off the stage...and hopefully straight round to Alan Carr's house to return his teeth.

There were jugglers-a-plenty this week but only death-defying, balancing knife-chucker Phil Blackmore managed to impress. "I really think jugglers need to juggle something that can hurt them" Simon moaned.

Like a ring-binder file, maybe. Ooooh, yeah, ever got your skin trapped in one of those? Painful...

Ciao for now.

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